How to be Quintessentially English part 1: Gangland Croquet

I picked up this new game in the hood, its used primarily for settling gangland turf wars in built up urban conurbations.

Firstly it was difficult because I had to learn the difference between Croquet and Crochet, once this step was mastered then I was no longer in the company of pensioners and I was ready to become a hardened thug of the ghetto.

The priniple of Croquet is simple, each gang takes a coloured mallet and the corresponding coloured ball – This should as closely as possible try to emulate your gang colours.

You can either let your designated gang leader settle the dispute by themselves or divide the task between you and your “hommies”.

The objective is to hit your gangs ball through a series of hoops, you can only play one way through the hoop and you get one swing per go. If your ball passes through the hoop you get an extra go.

If your ball hits another gangs ball, rather than reach for the “nines” you can either choose to to be a pussy and do nothing about it like the little punk ass bitch you are and play another shot OR you can “Raprazent” for your “bluds”.

Should you choose to be a man and to “Raprazent” in Croquet you then place your ball next to the gangs ball you originally started some shit with and place your foot on your ball to keep it in place so that when you strike it there is a transference of kinetic energy from your mallet, through your ball, to the other gangs ball. The resulting effect is that the other gangs ball is sent packing in to the distance. You are awarded with an extra shot after this because it means that “you is well ‘ard”.

Incidently should you be using Crochet instead to settle a gangland dispute “Raprazenting” requires a “knit off” whereby you each take turns to knit increasingly complex Crochet patterns – in your own gang colours of course!

The first one around the course wins and the winner claims the turf for their own gang. The course is laid out and played as thus:

Layout of hoops in croquet